I call him Daddy

There's a corner of my heart that warms every time I think of him. That feeling grows as I think about how much I enjoy making him laugh, and how much I have learned from his experience, wisdom, and example. There hasn't been a time in my life where I haven't done something and then, often unintentionally, waited to see or hear his approval.

When I was younger, I was scared of him. He was larger than life. He could accomplish more in one day that anyone else. I often remember the day when he told me his "trick" about how he got so much done. Since then I have have tried to implement this life hack and it has proven its legitimacy. He still uses it himself, I'm sure.

During the summer when our church would have softball games, I loved to watch him play. He would swing that bat and knock the ball into the far right field (he's a lefty) and then tear around the bases like you wouldn't believe. I can count on one hand how many times I have seen him not get a home run (and that is mostly from the last couple years).

Mother often said his brain was like a computers. I dreaded playing Rook (or any card game for that matter) with him because he is always able to tell you what you have in your hand. But it was a joyous day in the household when one of us kids would finally get him at his own game.

There has always been a book on his side table in his room and by his chair. Some of my earliest memories are of him sitting there in the couch with his legs curled under him sipping coffee and reading. The man knows more stuff! His book knowledge has always intimidated me, but I always knew who to ask whenever I needed an answer.

The Lord placed me in a home where he was the dad, and I am so glad He did. The older I get, the more I am thankful for everything he has given me. Lately, I have been especially grateful for the fact that he raised me in a christian home, took me to church every Sunday, and taught me to read the Bible. Although I had to discover the Lord on my own, he provided the perfect place for me to learn Him.

I am a better person because of him.

When the Law is Unknown

As I cruised into the town that I rarely drive through, I noticed the speed limit sign and was aware that I was not obeying it exactly. The temptation to shrug my shoulders and ignore it came, as did the scene where I was explaining to the policeman that I wasn't from around these parts and didn't rightly know the speed limit. Surely he would let me off with a warning and wouldn't give me a ticket for speeding when I didn't "know" I was speeding. As quickly as these thoughts came to me, I dismissed them. After all, I had seen the sign. Even if I hadn't seen it, it was still there. I was held accountable to it.

These thoughts reminded me of God, His law, and the people He creates.

I have often heard people question how God will judge those who have never heard or understood the Gospel; surely God couldn't punish them in their ignorance! How can they believe something they've never heard and understood? God will surely have mercy on them, they say.

But will He?

I have asked questions about this topic on more than one occasion because it just doesn't seem fair to me that innocent people will be punished for not knowing something (and this causes a passion to well up within me for people, myself included, to go to these people to tell them. But that could be another sermon blog post.) but I saw the truth in stark reality at that moment while cruising through town. 

Even though it seems somehow harsh, it is only right. Just like the police officer would not be sympathetic to me just because I did not know the speed limit, God must judge people according to the law; even those who do not know it.

I write this, aware of how cold and hard I may sound to some who do not believe this truth about God. But my heart is far from being cold about this fact. Rather, it is only burdened all the more for those who yet need the Gospel brought to them.

Let us go. Let us tell them. Let us not be held responsible for not telling them before its too late that God has a law, that Jesus saves, and that eternal life is found in Him!

They need to know.

Waiting for my World to Change

These beauties are sitting on my dresser in my room. 

I declare, there is something wonderfully satisfying as three blooms in a vase. 

Their fragrance fills the room and proclaim the start of summer.

Psst...don't let daisy know because I will never tell, but peony is my favorite.

Summer is here and I love it. Every time June rolls around, I remember that I have forgotten already how much I enjoy it. Nothing can compare to green Wisconsin.

The last few days I have been trying to soak it in and enjoy every moment. I gaze at everything around me, trying to put it all into pictures that I can bring back to mind later.

For a few more weeks, this is home.

I try to be brave and remind myself that this is only a part of earth and my real home is where my people are, and ultimately in heaven with my heavenly Father. But i confess that there are moments when there's a small knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat when truth dawns on me: life as I know it, as I have always known it, is about to change. While this truth causes surges of adrenaline and excitement in my blood at times, I cannot help but try to hold on to these fading days as they quickly pass through my hands.

Today, I am thankful for the grace of God that meets me whether I am feeling nostalgic or impatiently expectant from one moment to the next.

You Might Call Me Leah

Growing up, I dreamed of the day when Prince Charming would come and take me away. I couldn't wait until I would finally know his face, feel his embrace, and hear all sorts of kind words from him. I never questioned if he would come; it was always the question of when. I never doubted the fact that when I was old enough he would magically appear and all would be bliss. The thought never once entered my mind that he might not be there in my future when I finally arrived.

The day when I realized that he hadn't appeared like I had planned was bewildering. I wondered why. I looked at myself and asked what was wrong with me; my body, my personality, or my character. After much thought, I decided that if he hadn't made himself known yet, that must mean I wasn't quite ready. I concluded that I needed to grow up some more, to see a little more of the world, and to wait another year or two.

As I waited and trusted, my relationship with the Lord grew as well. I learned more about Him and I started to know Him more personally. There came a time when I realized that I thrived on learning about Him, and there also came a time when I realized how much I actually loved Him and desired to love Him more. It was then that I again noticed that Prince Charming was still not appearing. He hadn't even tried to show his face. There wasn't one word spoken. Again, I questioned why. If he wasn't here, there must be a reason, and the reason must be me. Obviously, I was flawed and I wasn't good enough. My friends were dating, or being pursued at least, and not even a knight in tinfoil had appeared for me. I tried to comfort myself by saying that it was a good thing I didn't tempt the fake ones, but I cringed when I realized that I didn't tempt the good ones either.

The pain was real when it dawned on me the reason that Prince Charming wasn't here.

He didn't want me.

As my peers got boyfriends, then fiances, and finally husbands, I clapped and cheered them on. I loved seeing them so happy. I oohed and awed over their wonderful homes and how they were learning to keep house. But as time passed and it seemed like I would be the very last of my friends to get married, the story of Rachel and Leah kept coming back to mind.

You see, I had always thought that I would be Rachel, waiting for Jacob. What girl wouldn't love to have a man prove his love for her in the way that Jacob did? Seven years before marriage and another seven afterward? That's incredible!

But what I didn't think was that I might be Leah.

Leah, known for her bitterness and lack of joy when compared to Rachel, was the elder daughter living in the shadow of her younger sister. When Jacob first came to Laban about Rachel, I'm sure the sisters rejoiced together. Leah must have been happy for Rachel. After all, they were both young and there was plenty of time yet for Leah's man to show up even if Jacob had come for Rachel first.

The more I think of Leah's story, the more I can see her struggle. The taste of disappointment as time went on must have been bitter. It must have been difficult to see Rachel as the happy bride-to-be. The shame she brought to her family because no man showed interest must have stained her cheeks and twisted her heart. Being married off to her sister's man in a deceitful manner certainly did not make it any easier. Imagine waking up the morning after your wedding and your husband is mad at you because you are not your sister.

Leah never got her dream. She never experienced her “happily ever after.” She never had a husband who loved her. Her place was always ranked second to Rachel.

Except in children.

The Lord saw Leah's state and blessed her with children. After her first son was born, Leah thought that Jacob would love her. She called him Reuben. When the second son was born to her, she named him Simeon because she said she was still unloved. The third son was called Levi because Leah again assumed that Jacob will love her since she gave him three sons. It was only after the fourth son was born that she said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” This son was named Judah.

Leah's heart was crying desperately for love; to be noticed and to be cared for. She did all she could to gain the love she craved. Because she was able to have children and gave Jacob sons (unlike Rachel) she thought she could get Jacob to love her.

But she didn't.

Sometimes, when I start believing the lie that since there is no guy in my picture there must be something wrong with me, the spirit of Leah settles into my mind. Jealousy of other Rachels around me creep in and I start acting out of that lie: I start trying to do things that might gain the attention or win the affection of a man. It was a startling thought when I realized that even spiritual things done in order to gain attention in hopes of attracting a suitor was not pleasing to God. 

I confess that I have been guilty of pursuing a deeper walk with God believing that there is a level of maturity that must be attained before He allows a man to enter my life. Now I understand that pursuing God with any other motive than to know Him more is disgusting and horribly unacceptable in His eyes. How dare I fall on my knees before Him in worship when my thoughts are filled with the idea of how much closer this puts me in gaining the blessing of a boyfriend/husband.

These are words from the Lord to Israel:

“Bring no more futile sacrifices;

incense is an abomination to Me.

The New Moons, the Sabbaths, and the calling of assemblies-

I cannot endure iniquity and the sacred meeting.

Your New Moons and your appointed feast My soul hates;

they are a trouble to Me,

I am weary of bearing them.

When you spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you;

even though you make many prayers,

I will not hear.

Your hands are full of blood.”

(Isaiah 1:13-15)

These are strong words! Think of about it. There was nothing wrong with Israel keeping the Sabbath, after all, the Lord commanded them to do so. They kept the feast in remembrance of the Lord. They gave their sacrifices just as He required. Yet the Lord was not pleased and I think it was because they were not worshiping the Lord in their hearts and were not doing these actions out of a genuine desire to know Him as their Lord God.

Just like Israel could not hide behind their good deeds, I cannot hide behind the name of Leah. Leah was without excuse for her behavior and her reaction to circumstances beyond her control and I am no different. I may be given the name Leah because I might have the temptation to hold on to bitterness and anger and the demand to be loved by a man, but I am held accountable to Almighty God.

Leah and I have faced some of the same pain and struggle in life and I continue to learn from her example. Leah was driven my her desire to be loved. It was her priority to be loved by Jacob and she could not rest until this goal was attained. There is no doubt that there was conflict between the two sisters because of this.

When my priority is to be noticed and loved, there is naturally a conflict that flows between me and “Rachel” (every other woman who has the attention and love of a man.) But this is not what God calls me to. I believe that God has called me to have the priority of being loved by Him. When my priority is in line with God, I care not how others think and care for me but only what He thinks and says. What matters is that I can say, “Now I will praise the Lord,” even if Prince Charming isn't here.