Monday, February 9, 2015

Me Against the World

             I'm not sure where it came from or how I got to this place, but I'm seeing something in my mentality that I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of. Inside, deep in my brain, there's the thought that its me....against the world. Weaved into that is the lie that everyone is not here to help or aide me in any way. Achievement is made by me and me alone. My thoughts, my decisions, and my work must be done independent of anyone or anything. I cannot ask for help, and even if I should be tempted to, people would only help me in order to help their own selves in someway. Please understand that I love spending time with people and getting to know them and communicating with them. But they're only allowed to get so close. Why? Because I don't trust them, their motives, or their intentions. Believing that no one is for me, I believe that everyone is against me. When I was younger I would run and hide. Now that I'm older, I see the tendency to stand with my arms crossed daring them to try to hurt me. Even those who love and support me, these very dear people I keep at arms length, never sure when they will turn to hurt me when it is convenient for them.

Its me against the world.

That's the lie.
But I don't want to believe it.
From this mind set stems a host of other problems. Problems like inferiority complexes, issues with authority, and relational understanding to name the top few. In seeing these problems, I prayed for wisdom to know how to deal with them, what to do with them, or how to get rid of them. Its been a journey, but I think God finally revealed the "me against the world" mentality as the root of it all. The next step is digging that root out. But how does one do that? And what tool should be used? Where would I find such a tool? I'm still searching for the answer., but I take courage knowing that I have more understanding. That's half the work, right?
Romans 8:31 comes to mind. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Even when people are against me (and there will be times when I need to cross my arms and face the world for Jesus' sake), I can stand assured, knowing I am not alone like I once thought. When I stand with God, I am not alone.

Monday, February 2, 2015

In the Pursuit of Health and Safe Keeping

Adventure has always been a long held dream of mine. Adrenaline mixed with fear and a thirst for something crazy. Something to look back on and be able to tell a story. Yet routine and ho hum has often been the feast rather than the famine.
Until the last 24 hours.
Yesterday, as we looked at the weather online and gazed out the window where speckles of snow were still falling on several inches of freshly fallen snow, we had to make a decision. Should we leave now and get halfway to our destination, or should we wait til the morning when the weather was to be clear. We prayed about it, ate lunch, and decided to head out.
The roads were partially clear, and as people passed us there would be mini whiteouts. We made it through okay for the first three hours. Then the roads got worse, the sun set, and the snow covered road became obscure as gusty winds whipped the fluffy stuff around. The ditches that had only seen a few cars and semis earlier became increasingly filled. Every time we passes one, my heart would sink a little as the question came whether that would be us in the next mile or two. It increasingly became wise to consider the possibility of finding a hotel. So we did. The first hotel we came to said they were full. The next said the same. Finally by the third, we booked a room and crashed there; glad to be safe and out of the cold. The storm was to blow over during the night and so we'd set out again in the morning under the warm sun.
Amidst snow drifts and snow covered ice, we set forth again. Twenty miles down the snow covered road we fish tailed, did a few slippery turns, and put our front two tires in the snow bank. Putting the jeep in four wheel drive, we pulled out and faced oncoming traffic until there was an open space to run around.
We got off on the next exit.
Consulting the map, we decided to try an alternate route. We got lost Mendota, asked for directions, still couldn't figure out where we were, and finally found the road. We poked along for ten more miles and came to the interstate. It looked clear, so we jumped back on. But when that interstate took us to 39, we discovered that 39 had not improved and we still felt unsafe to travel with people who still were trying to go 60 miles an hour on ice and snow. We got back off, got turned around, took roads not found on the map. We followed the GPS for a bit until we got our bearings again and made decisions to keep going through the middle of Illinois through town and country that rarely saw a tourist much less a New York license plate.
The roads kept getting better as kept going. We tried to keep our spirits up regardless of the seemingly endless day. The snow certainly was beautiful as it stuck to the trees and bushes. And there was humor to be found as we laughed at the memories already being made.
Three hours from our destination, we finally got back on interstate and the roads were beautiful and clear. Flying along at 70 miles an hour after putzing through the prairie at 25 to 40 miles an hour was exhilarating.
I chomped at the bit inwardly. I had been looking forward to being earlier, settling in, and enjoying seeing people arrive instead of arriving with them all. But this is just another lesson to learn about going with the flow, trusting in the sovereignty of God, and being okay with not being on schedule all the time. Its okay when plans get disrupted. Its okay when things don't go our way. We were safe, we were warm, we were together.

\ After all, life is amazing. Either way.